Brian and Garfunkel

"Brian help me with this, will ya". Brian and Garfunkel were on their way to the caves. They needed new squigs for their farm, squig-farm that is. A squig farm is a farm, where people herds squigs. Not for their skin, or any other squig products, because actually squigs are quite ugly, and the most remarkable about them is that sometimes their teeth are bigger than the rest of the body. It therefor wasn't as much squig herding Brian and Garfunkel did, as well keeping them alive and staying away from them. It was Brian end Garfunkel's task to make the squigs aggressive and of course to herd them in battle. brian and Garfunkel had three squigs. Which don't seem like much, but three squigs were all two Goblins could handle.

There used to be a lot more Goblins on the farm, but they all came to their end in battle, or were a bit eaten by the squigs. The leftovers were sold to Orcs as elven flesh. Orcs could surely taste the difference between a Goblin and an elf, but since they always shared it with a few friends, they were afraid to say anything, because their friends would surely be insulted if someone tried to feed the Gobo's. The Orcs friends in their turn, never said anything because they didn't want to insult the host of the party. If either side got insulted there would be a duel according to the Orcisch etiquette. Which means the two Orcs would start facing each other, and have a free choice of weapons. Which meant one would walk towards the other and tried to smack him in the head with anything that was within the Orcs reach.

Because of these complicated rituals Brian and Garfunkel were actually quite rich according to Goblin standards. They new better than to show they had all this money, because an Orc was still stronger than a Goblin. So they enjoyed their wealth in private. They bought a good wine from some Goblin traders from another village, they bought good food from an Orc which didn't do anything else but wander through the woods all day. They had everything a Goblin could wish, until a few months ago.

It was a night like any other and Brian and Garfunkel were in their beds, being drunk from the wine. Then Brian heard a noise at the door, after listening for a few minutes, he decided that it must be someone trying to break the door in half. After he figured this out, he immediately fell asleep. He woke up again a few minutes later because Garfunkel was shaking his bed. "Brian" he said "Brian, there's somebody downstairs". "That must be the people who broke down our door" Brian replied. After saying this Brian realized that there was somebody trying to steal their gold. Brian woke up immediately and started getting dressed. As Nightgoblin's only wear a black dress, which is past on from mother to son, Brian was instantly finished dressing and he hurried down the stairs. Garfunkel saw him running away and cursed, because now he had to go to.

They stumbled down the stairs and saw ten Orcs messing up their house. One of the Orcs smiled and Brian and Garfunkel felt their courage sinking like an Orcisch ship. The Orc grabbed Brian from the stairs and hang him on the chandelier. Garfunkel walked across the marble floor, towards the Orc, the unexpecting Orc got Garfunkels fist in his family jewelry. The Orc fell to the ground both hands in the crotch. Garfunkel ran down the hall, passed the kitchen door, through the fitness room, barely avoided felling in the pool. Ran to the supply room, for which he had to go through their music chamber, in which he almost got stuck in the piano, the tuba and several electric guitars. In the supply room he opened a hatch, leading to their escape route. Looking back, he saw Brian stuck in the Jacuzzi, feet up. So Garfunkel ran back and pulled him loose, after which he bumped his head to the diving board.

Half an hour later in a forest nearby, wolves slept, squirrels ate nuts, bears ate honey, and bees stuck bears. When all of sudden a load bang was heard, a door swung open and out came Brian and Garfunkel. When they came out, they looked directly into the eyes of a bear. The bear looked kinda fluffy, wore a red T-shirt and had a pot of honey with him. Brian and Garfunkel thought they knew the bear. "Hi I'm Winnie" the bear said. Brian and Garfunkel knew him all right, Winnie was a big TV-star, back in the future. Brian said hi, Garfunkel mumbled something that could have been hi. Winnie then wandered of too probably eat his honey in a quieter place. A bouncing tiger immediately followed Winnie.

Brian and Garfunkel ran back to their house, got their prodder out of the shed and went to the back of the house, where the squigs were. Inside they still could here the Orcs ravaging through their belongings. They opened the fence, letting the squigs out. With their prodder they pushed them toward the door of their house. When they pushed the squigs into the house an Orc appeared. When the Orc saw the squigs he started to scream, but he never got beyond starting, because the first squig took his head with a single bite. Because of the giant prodder behind them the squigs were getting very annoyed. They however couldn't take it out on the Goblins because they were behind the prodder. So they took it out on the Orcs instead. At first the Orcs were surprised by the squigs, but after five kills, the Orcs started fighting back, killing the squigs one by one. Brian and Garfunkel saw this and split.

So here they were now, without a home, without money and without food. They were on their way to get some new ones. When they entered the cave, it was dark. But because they're Nightgoblins, they can see in the dark. Unfortunately squigs can also see in the dark. That's why Nightgoblins wear the black dresses, that and in their mothers honor of course. Walking through the mines and caves, they could almost be mistaken for dwarven, but dwarfs didn't wear dresses. And they also didn't carry prodders, and no dwarf with a working set of brains would go hunt for squigs. And of course dwarfs weren't green and didn't have pointy ears, but besides that they looked just like dwarfs.

They came to the squig hideout, and started to catch squigs with a butterfly-net. Of course this didn't work, but it was fun nonetheless. After playing with the squigs like this for a while, they got rid of about 150 butterfly-nets. Garfunkel thought it was time to get to business. They got out the prodder, separated a squig form the group and chained him. After they caught 3 squigs they prepared to go back. Brian saw a little squig, not bidder then his left foot, it looked kinda cute. So Brian went to the squig and looked at it from up close. It looked like it just hatched. And his first estimation proved wrong, it was in fact a little bigger than his left foot, because it managed to get his whole left foot and even part of his ankle into his mouth. Which was a strange feeling, because the young squig didn't have any teeth, and tried to suck his foot of. Brian let the squig continue for a while, and then tried o pull him of.There was only one problem, the little bastard had no intentions of letting go. So Brian clubbed it and pulled it of.

When Brian got up, he saw something that upset him. It was the little squigs mamma. The beast attacked Brian, who in his turn attacked the squig. Brian started hacking into the squig with his sword. But because of the hard skin squigs have, this wasn't hurting the squig. Actually the squig was rolling over the floor because it tickled. While the squig was rolling over the floor Brian managed to catch up with Garfunkel, who bravely run away. Together they took the squigs and went to the village.

Being back in the Village, they still didn't have a home, but with three squigs they could surely convince someone to let them stay for a night or so. Walking down the street with three squigs Brian and Garfunkel were stopped by a huge Orc, but from Goblin height, all Orcs were huge. The Orc spoke the first line of the greeting ritual : "Hi there wherz ya goin?". "Home!" Garfunkel answered. "Me hear ya dun 'av a home anymore." the Orc said "But instead of that I got a deal for ya". Garfunkels eyes started to twinkle, the Orc noticed this and new he had already won. "Wat kinda deal?". "You get rich, and me too!" the Orc said. Garfunkel became suspicious "How do ya do that?". The Orc said a single word "Mordheim". Garfunkel raised his eyebrows and even Brian was surprised. "Mordheim, wadda ya gonna find in Mordheim? It's a buncha ruins!". "Weirdystones" the big Orc replied, "They's magical. 'umans giv lots a gold for 'em".
"ya sure that right?".
"Yes its just for the takin' nothin' there but a bunch of 'umans!"
"Ok we goin'."
"Me Nazull!" the Orc said
"Me Garfunkel, he Brian!"
"Brian that strange name!"
And they were of to a small camp outside of the village.

Brian and Garfunkel were playing a game of cards while sitting near their fire. They decided to build their own fire, because drunken Orcs can't be trusted. Seeing Orgof walk by they invited him to play along. Orgof gladly accepted and they began to play. Before they knew it, the sky was dark and they went to sleep. Orgof walked back to Orcish campfire and stepped into the light. Murrak laughed his head of, because there was Orgof, wearing nothing but his underwear. Nazull asked him what happened. "We played cards" Orgof explained, "Me lost". Nazull groaned something and got up.

"BRIAN" he shouted " GARFUNKEL, where are you". "Here we are O-mighty one". Brian stood in the dim light, wearing a cape, or at least he was wearing the shoulder-part of the cape. The rest just lay on the ground. Garfunkel was carrying two big axes. Well he was carrying the handles, the rest just dragged over the ground. On the floor were some Orc-sized clothes. "Wadda ya tink ya doin' " shouted Nazull. "We winning Boss " Garfunkel told him. "Give that back, now". "But Boss we won it fare an square" Brian would have become mad, weren't it that Nazull was at least twice as big. "Knowin' ya it wasn' fare, but anyways I can't have one of my best men walking 'round in Mordheim wivout 'is clothes, can I?". "No Boss!" two Goblins shouted. "We giv' back" Brian said. Nazull took the clothes and weapons and returned them to their rightful owner. No actually he returned them to Orgof, Nazull thought there rightful owner probably died when Orgof toof the stuff.